I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Randomize
