when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
