saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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