While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize