wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
