In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
