Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
