I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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