ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
