I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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