you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
