I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Randomize
