i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
