I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
