I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Randomize
