I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Randomize