I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
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