you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
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