Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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