fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Randomize
