It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
