$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
