Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
please come you make the beer taste better
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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