It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
