you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
There's always time for handjobs
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
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