Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
