Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
