guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
