So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
