Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Randomize