I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Randomize