Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
