You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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