wrigley field is MILF paradise
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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