I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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