I'm so fucking centered right now
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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