That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Randomize
