I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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