She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
