Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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