please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize