This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
