Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
