hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
