Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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