I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
