When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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