I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Please don't give away my fajitas
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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