Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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