we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
