I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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