He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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