I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
