I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Randomize