If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
