where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Randomize
