That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize